11+ Creative Writing Example Stories and Examiner-Style Feedback
Study model answers with detailed commentary to understand what examiners reward.
How to Use These Examples
These example stories demonstrate different levels of writing. Read each one carefully, then review the examiner comments to understand what works well and what could be improved. Use this knowledge to strengthen your own writing.
Prompt:
Write a story that begins: "The door creaked open..."
Time allowed: 25 minutes
Example 1: High-Scoring Response
Grade: A (18/20)The door creaked open, revealing nothing but darkness beyond. Emma hesitated, her torch beam trembling as she swept it across the abandoned library. Dust motes danced in the light like tiny ghosts.
"Hello?" Her voice echoed back at her, mocking. The floorboards groaned beneath her feet as she stepped inside, each footfall announcing her presence. She shouldn't be here—not after what Gran had told her about the fire—but the mysterious letter had been clear: Come at midnight. Bring courage.
Rows of charred bookshelves loomed like skeletal fingers reaching towards the ceiling. Emma's heart hammered as she navigated between them, following the faint glow she'd spotted from outside. The letter had promised answers about her mother's disappearance, and after ten years of silence, she was done waiting.
In the centre of the library, a single book lay open on a reading desk, somehow untouched by time and flames. As Emma approached, words began to glow on its pages—words that made her gasp. The truth about your mother begins here, Emma. Turn the page if you dare.
With trembling fingers, she reached forward. Whatever lay ahead, she was ready. She'd been searching for this moment her entire life.
Examiner Comments:
Strengths:
- Excellent opening that continues naturally from the prompt
- Strong atmosphere created through sensory details (dust motes, groaning floorboards)
- Effective use of figurative language ("skeletal fingers," "tiny ghosts")
- Clear character voice and motivation established quickly
- Varied sentence structures create rhythm and tension
- Mystery element engages reader effectively
- Confident ending that provides closure while suggesting more
Areas for Improvement:
- Could include one more sensory detail (smell or sound) to enhance atmosphere
- The magical book element, while intriguing, might benefit from slightly more grounding
Example 2: Good Response
Grade: B (14/20)The door creaked open and Tom walked inside. The house was old and dark. He felt scared but he needed to be brave because his dog had run in here and he needed to find him.
"Buddy!" he called out. "Where are you?" He walked down the hall. It was very dusty and there were cobwebs everywhere. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls.
Suddenly, he heard a bark from upstairs. Tom ran up the creaky stairs as fast as he could. His heart was beating really fast. When he got to the top, he saw Buddy wagging his tail next to an open window.
Tom grabbed Buddy's collar and they ran out of the house together. He was so happy to find his dog safe. From then on, Tom never let Buddy off the lead near the old house again.
Examiner Comments:
Strengths:
- Clear story structure with beginning, middle, and end
- Appropriate use of dialogue
- Character motivation is clear (searching for the dog)
- Setting details included (dusty, cobwebs, peeling wallpaper)
- Satisfying resolution
Areas for Improvement:
- Too much telling rather than showing ("He felt scared," "very dusty")
- Sentence structures are repetitive (many starting with "He/Tom")
- Limited vocabulary—could use more ambitious words
- Lacks sensory details and figurative language
- Rushed ending—could be developed more
- Could create more atmosphere and tension
How to Improve: Show Tom's fear through his actions (trembling hands, rapid breathing). Use more varied sentence openings. Add sensory details (smell of decay, sound of wind through broken windows). Develop the climax—build more tension before finding Buddy.
Example 3: Needs Development
Grade: C (10/20)The door creaked open. I went in. It was dark and spooky. There was lots of dust. I walked around and saw some old furniture. Then I heard a noise. It was scary. I ran away and went home. It was all a dream.
Examiner Comments:
Strengths:
- Uses the prompt correctly
- Basic story sequence present
Significant Issues:
- Far too short—needs much more development
- "It was all a dream" ending (major mistake—never use this!)
- Extremely repetitive sentence structures (all simple sentences)
- Very basic vocabulary throughout
- No character development
- No descriptive details or figurative language
- Telling rather than showing emotions
- No dialogue
- Lacks paragraphing
Essential Improvements: This needs substantial development. Plan a proper ending (not a dream). Expand to at least 250 words. Add character details, setting descriptions, and varied sentences. Show emotions through actions. Include dialogue. Create proper paragraphs.
Key Differences Between Grade Levels
| Feature | A Grade | B Grade | C Grade |
|---|---|---|---|
| Length | 300-400 words, well-developed | 250-300 words, adequately developed | Under 200 words, underdeveloped |
| Vocabulary | Ambitious, varied, precise | Some good choices, mostly appropriate | Basic, repetitive |
| Sentences | Varied structures, complex and simple mixed | Some variety, mostly simple | Repetitive, all simple |
| Description | Vivid, multi-sensory, figurative language | Present but limited | Minimal or absent |
| Character | Well-developed, shown through actions | Clear but told more than shown | Undeveloped |
| Ending | Satisfying, well-crafted resolution | Appropriate but could be stronger | Rushed or inappropriate (e.g., "it was a dream") |
Practice Activity
Write your own response to the prompt: "The door creaked open..."
After writing, use the examiner feedback above to assess your own work:
- • Have you used varied sentence structures?
- • Does your story show rather than tell?
- • Have you included sensory details and figurative language?
- • Is your ending satisfying (not "it was a dream"!)?
- • Have you used ambitious vocabulary correctly?